Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider good for kids?

I washed my hands and the little spider, with nothing to cling to, slipped down the drain.  I found myself singing about the Itsy Bitsy Spider ...went up the water spout... while I watched this happen I secretly smiled in delight that the poor spider was meeting with an unfortunate set of circumstances...down came the rain and washed the spider out...Mwahahaha!!  However, despite marveling at my own evilness, the song made me wonder what we are teaching our kids. Unrelenting persistence. Yes that's great. Get back up again after you fall down.  Fantastic. But are we not also inadvertently teaching children NOT to learn from their own mistakes when telling them the spider goes back up the exact same spout?  Every child knows that rain happens regularly and that that spider is highly likely to meet the same demise and consequence in the future...we teach them that with "Rain Rain Go Away, Come Again Another Day".  ...out came the sun and dried up all the rain...  An old Chinese Proverb tells us if we fall down 7 times to get up 8...It is also said that lessons will be repeated until learned... Is the spider simply facing the spout with sheer determination or  is it just a little slow on the uptake?   Was the spout placed there by some divine intervention to deliberately give it a challenge to overcome?  Maybe once it fully completes the uphill battle of the spout it will be a better spider because of it? Maybe.  For gits and shiggles, let's change the last line of the song so that the spider does in fact learn from its own mistakes, takes a different path but still continues its persistence with "goes up the wall instead".  Would that thereby be allowing it to take the easy way out or is it teaching children to try something different if the first way didn't work out?  Hmm...that's a tough one.  Maybe its ok if the new route of the wall comes with its own challenges...Not sure...what I am sure of is that each and every one of you will have that little song stuck in your head for the remainder of the day. Mwahahahaha!!

Rules for Proper Eating

I love food. I do. I LOVE to eat and I have the waistline to prove it. Some people though, say that I am a picky eater. I really don't know what they're talking about...nope, no clue. Not me. Well maybe a little. Ok, ok...there may be a few food issues. But not many...there are just a couple of rules that I adhere to. Smells, sights, tastes and texture all go into whether or not I will eat something. Some of the rules are strict, it’s true. Others are less strict. Some things can be eaten in one form and not others and some things not at all.


First on the list is mushrooms. Mushrooms are horrid things and should never be consumed. The only time they may be eaten is if they have been obliterated of any resemblance to their original form such as in mushroom broth or cream of mushroom soup. That’s it. People who pile mushrooms on food or eat a mushroom sandwich are crazy.


Second on the list is unmelted cheese. This should also never be eaten. Ever! It should never be eaten by itself, never on a cracker, and certainly never on a sandwich. The only time cheese should be consumed is if it has the opportunity to melt, such as in chili, a burrito, pizza or a grilled cheese sandwich…a taco as well but only if placed next to the beef or chicken and not on top of cold lettuce where it won’t melt. That’s it. Other cheeses that don’t make the Eat It List are feta, cottage, brie, blue, pimento and all the ones I don’t even know about. Cream cheese is tolerable if spread very thin. Cheese cake, no thanks. Acceptable cheeses are cheddar, mozzarella, parmesan, Swiss, American. That’s about it.


Mayonnaise is another one…If the sandwich is grilled, cheese can be applied and so no mayonnaise is necessary…mayo only on a cold sandwich and never on a burger. It’s ok in small quantities such as chicken salad or on a cold sandwich. Potato salad, macaroni salad or coleslaw is a big fat no. Tuna is ok to have a little mayonnaise but not too much to where it gets soupy. Tuna is best served with raisins mixed in it…nothing else, but it’s ok if it doesn’t. No apples, no nuts, no onions.


Eggs, that’s another biggie. Scrambled only. No sunny-side up. No over easy. No hard or soft boiled. No deviled eggs. No chunks either…no onions or peppers or ham…just scrambled eggs…adding cheese is ok since it will melt. Of course eggs are fine to put in a cake or something.


Then there are the tomatoes. Tomatoes have strict rules. Ketchup is ok, spaghetti sauce is ok, chopped small and stewed for chili is ok. Salsa is NOT ok. Raw is not ok. Yuck. Tomato soup is a maybe and only as a last resort IF there are crackers or a grilled cheese sandwich accompaniment.


Most salad dressing is out…creamy Caesar or ranch are about the only acceptable dressings. Salad should be eaten naked otherwise. No oil, no vinegar, no balsamic. Yuck.


Onions should always be sautéed and should never be eaten raw. Period.


Sour cream is ok if it’s used in cooking or in chili that’s too hot. Sour cream should never be topped onto a burrito for no reason.


Ham is ok if it is cooked…cold cut ham is a big fat no.


I probably missed some things but most everything else that I won’t eat is simply on the No List…few or no rules required, just a straight up no. Oysters and mussels, no. Tapioca, corned beef, artichokes, no. Carrot cake, rice pudding, bread pudding, asparagus, brussel sprouts, no, no, no! Pizza with too much stuff on it is debatable…plain cheese is best but I can sometimes tolerate chicken and broccoli, anchovies and sardines are out. Cilantro, sauerkraut, green chilies, olives, liver, turnips, radishes, definitely not. Licorice (red licorice is not licorice at all, but strawberry or cherry), black eyed peas, buttermilk unless it’s in pancakes or other cooking, lima beans, creamed corn, cooked spinach, dill pickles, pickle relish, no, no, no, NO! Of course this is not an exhausted list. Most foreign foods, chilled food, things that are slimy or have weird textures, things that smell weird, anything hot and spicy, anything that looks yucky, things I have never heard of before, and anything I can’t identify like at a potluck are all out. Other than that, I will eat just about anything! The other thing is that I am much better than I used to be. Things I wouldn’t eat before that I will eat now even if on a limited basis: avocados, hummus, black beans, refried beans, ranch dressing, cream cheese, alfredo sauce, pesto sauce, sushi…lot’s of things. See, I am much better!!


And you may think all this is weird…but you haven’t met my sister. Now she is a freak! She won’t let her food touch!

The Anatomy of a Morning

Beep beep beep beep…there is a noise coming from the cockpit of the plane.  Beep beep beep beep.  As the pilot, it’s my job to find the source and fix the problem.  Beep beep beep beep.  It must be engine trouble.  The sound gets louder, we’re rapidly descending…  I frantically fidget with buttons and dials and levers and switches, to no avail.  “MAY DAY! MAY DAY! WE’RE GOING DOWN!!!”, I scream! 

The adrenaline pumping hard!  Beep beep BEEP BEEP, louder still the noise gets.  I can see the ripples in the water and the shells on the beach as the ground approaches.  I try with all my might to pull up……pull up! Pull Up!  PULL UP!!  DAMMIT…why won’t you pull up?!!   BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!

I come to.  The plane doesn’t crash but instead I roll over and clumsily bat my hand against my phone finally having realized what that awful noise was…It finally stops, if only momentarily.  My brain takes in the reality of the situation.  It is 7:00 and I have to be somewhere at 9.  There are several things that need to happen in the next 2 hours…I need to get up and shower, brush my teeth, feed the dogs, potty the dogs, feed myself, go down to the basement and get clean clothes out of the dryer.  I also like to journal for 20 minutes in the morning before I do anything else.  There is also a 30 minute drive to contend with.

I snooze the alarm and roll back over.  Five minutes later I am startled again…beep beep beep beep.  , Damn noise.  Do I really have to get up?  What do I have to do again?  Taking stock…Journal, shower, teeth, laundry, feed dogs, feed myself, bathroom for myself and the dogs, drive.  Beep beep beep beep.  Another five minutes lost.  Grrroooaaaaannnnn.  I am far too old to stay up so late.

Before I know it 20 minutes are gone, then 30 then 45.  At this point I start to prioritize my morning list of crap to do.  Ok, what can I lose?  Journaling…absolutely.  Who needs that?  Not me.  Not today.  That’s the first thing to go.  What else? Breakfast…I certainly can get by until lunch.  Beep beep beep beep!  Crap!  I must’ve fallen back to sleep.  It’s now almost 8am.  Reevaluating…ok how dirty am I?  Do I really need that shower?  Let’s see here… I had one 2 days ago…I am not that dirty…and it’s not a take-off-my-clothes doctors appointment…so it’s all good.  I just saved myself at least 20 minutes and bought myself another 5 since, I am not showering, I no longer need clean clothes from the dryer.  Score!  8:10…still in bed.  Let’s see what else can go?  Brushing teeth can happen in the car.  Easy.  This is exactly why a toothbrush and paste is kept there.  My good friend Justin Case suggested that to me years ago and I am firmly convinced in the practice…everyone should do it.  That Justin, he is such a handy guy to have around!  He’s always so well prepared…  Ok, so all that’s left is going to the bathroom for myself and the dogs…yeah it’s kind of hard to skip that.  Luckily it doesn’t take long.  8:25am, roll out of bed.  Find the cleanest-dirty articles of clothing from the floor, clean undies from the drawer and race to the bathroom.  Fifteen-second baby wipe bath for the important anatomy places before getting dressed.  8:28am… totally on schedule.  Crap!  I forgot to feed the dogs.  But that’s ok, because I have food for both of them in the car!  Whew!  Grab keys, leash dogs, lock house, to the car as fast as my healing-but-still-somewhat-injured ankle will go, let the dogs pee.  

My trail run up to the car.

8:30, start van, drive away.  Right on time!!!  Drive half a mile down the road only to discover that I left my phone…CRAP!  I can’t function without it.  Turn around…drive the half mile back to the house.  Park, hobble down the trail, unlock the door…now where did I leave it?  

My trail run back to the cabin to get my phone

In the bathroom!  Of course!  8:36am, relock the door and run myself back up the trail to the van…the dogs are so confused and I am getting more exercise than I have had in a year!  8:38 and I am once again on my way, 8 minutes behind schedule.  That’s ok, they are never on time at the surgeon’s office anyway and the 30 minute drive time is generous to start with.  I brush my teeth while driving, it’s a talent and a skill!  I roll into Dr. Allen’s office at 9:03…Not bad!  My ever-so-punctual friend Justin Time would be so proud.

Are you an Asheville Tourist? Let Me Help You Out

For those of you who do not live in Asheville but are thinking about visiting, what we have is truly a wonderfully amazing place to visit.  There is a ton of stuff to do here and it’s a wild and eclectic mecca for artists, foodies, beer lovers, musicians and outdoor adventurists.  But, before you travel, know that it can be a tiny bit confusing to the unsuspecting tourist.  Let me help you out.  There’s the Biltmore Estate and chances are high that you will want to go there.  It’s an 8,000 acre estate with a 250-room house, the largest privately owned home in the country.

Black and White Biltmore House
 by my favorite local photographer, Deborah Scannell

It’s very popular, very expensive and very worth it.  If you choose to partake in this classic Ashevillian tourist attraction, be sure not to confuse the estate with Biltmore Village, Biltmore Square, Biltmore Park, Biltmore Forest or Biltmore Avenue.  You will do this…I know.  Every day I see bewildered tourists with screwy expressions on their faces coming in to Starbucks at Biltmore Village, adjacent to the estate entrance, to ask for directions.  They are lost and have spent an hour driving around misunderstanding or simply missing obvious road signs.  To clarify, Biltmore Village is the several blocks of cute and adorable historical shops right outside the estate entrance.  Biltmore Square is on the west side of the estate and houses the crappy mall that no one goes to.  Biltmore Park is on the south side of the estate and is one of those newfangled intentionally planned multi-use developments. There you will find the YMCA, REI, the stadium seat movie theater and some million-dollar homes.  Biltmore Forest is on the east side of the estate where all the multi-million dollar homes are and where I expect the Obama’s will purchase their retirement home.  And finally, Biltmore Avenue runs between the estate and downtown Asheville. Be careful here...although it never makes any turns, it changes names three times, one end being called Merrimon Avenue and the other end Hendersonville Road.  In reality it is nowhere near Hendersonville...but you could get there if you took it 15 miles out of town. But…maybe you are not looking for the estate at all.  Maybe you are just looking for Starbucks.  Well there is the one here at Biltmore Village and the one down Hendersonville Road very close to Biltmore Forest.  If you are meeting someone at one of these locations, make sure you have the correct Biltmore prefix so that you or they don’t become needlessly lost or frustrated and then need someone like me to help sort you out.  Then there are the Groves…the Grove Park Inn, The Grove Arcade and Grove Street.  The Grove Arcade is downtown but it’s not an arcade and it’s not on Grove Street.  The Grove Park Inn is just north of downtown and is also not on Grove Street.  It is just down the road from the 3^rd Starbucks in town, in case you are in need of yet more coffee.  However, if you want really great coffee and not just directions, you will not go to Starbucks.  You will go to the High Five Coffee Bar on Broadway which isn’t really broad at all.  And if you are here as an Asheville Tourist, please don’t confuse yourself with a member of our local baseball team.  It’s really not hard.  I hope that clears things up. :)

How to Talk to Little Kids

I came to Starbucks today to write about my morning.  Instead I was presented with two adorable sets of young children to observe at the table opposite mine and so I am writing about them instead. 

The first set was two little girls…maybe about 5 and 7.  They had the reddest of hair and were wearing cute little sundresses under long raincoats and bows in their hair.  They sat with their mother and uncle and had American Girl books in hand.  It seemed the uncle hadn’t seen the girls in a while and proceeded in to interact with them on their level.  It was absolutely enchanting to watch.  He said things like “Do you remember me?  My name is ‘Uncle Victoria’ or ‘Uncle Pickle Pie’ or ‘Aunt Robert’.  The girls howled with laughter and it fueled his passion and their interaction.  He asked them open ended questions like “where is the train going” upon hearing the familiar toot of the “choo-choo”, as he called it.  His eyes were bright and he leaned forward to hear their answer of “maybe to China!”  Clearly he was genuinely interested in what they had to say.  He responded to their answers with glee, inviting them to talk and share and be themselves.   It appeared that Mom wanted them to be quiet so she could read her book and couldn’t care less about this uncle-niece conversation.  They weren’t noisy but they were anything but quiet…as well they should be when reuniting with an uncle. 

The other set of children came right on the heels of the girls vacating their table.  They were two little boys who appeared to be twins with a set of dads in tow.  I was secretly hoping for gay dads with adopted kids but it turns out the dads were brothers and boys nearly identical cousins.  A police car pulled in…a regular at Starbucks.  The boys were THRILLED to see the car and stood up on their chairs to get a better look.  When the officer came out with cup in hand he asked the boys if they would like to see the lights.  The look of pure excitement on their little faces was absolutely priceless as they watched the spinning blue lights come on and the car pull out of the lot.  Both dads and I turned our heads between watching the car and watching the boys watching the car.  We made eye contact as we shared in the unspoken knowledge that we had just witnessed a childhood moment not lost.  One boy came over and with a little prompting from dad, asked if he could pet the dogs.  I said he could as long as he was gentle and he told me he would be.  He then surprised me when he smartly informed me that you have to let a dog smell you first.  I guess he is a seasoned dog-petter.

Thus began a delightful conversation with this tiny young man.  I asked him his name and I guessed correctly that he was 4.  I also guessed that his cousin, who never did come over despite the older one’s efforts, was only 3.  He literally bounced up and down at my magically correct guesses and nodded his head in excitement.  He then proceeded to tell me that after his cousin is done being 3, he will be 3 and a half!  He then told me that he is almost 4 and a half and that he would then turn 5, and then 5 and a half and then 6 and then 7 and 8 and 9 and 10 and 11.  He stopped at eleven and said that he would then be really big!  I wondered if he just didn’t know what came after eleven.   I asked him how big he would be and he put his little arm up as high as he could reach.  “THIS BIG” he said with a huge smile and wide eyes.  We talked and he continued to pet the dogs and bounce intermittently.  I asked him questions and reflected his answers so he knew I was listening.  We wound up talking so long that his dad realized I may be bothered and called him back.  I wanted to tell him that I was gathering material but I kept that to myself.  Funny how incessant talking from a random adult can bug me to no end but the same behavior from a little kid, is welcomed.  Back at his table, the two boys took up a game of running in tight circles and yelling as loud as they could…eventually inciting both dads to pull the plug on their inventiveness.  I just smiled and reveled in the whole interaction.  Just before they left, the boy came back for one last pet. He thanked me for letting me pet the dog and I thanked him for the inspiration.  :)

How to talk to little kids?  Show excitement. Let your eyes sparkle. Ask open ended questions. Get on their level and ask them about their interests. Delight in their answers. Talk about ridiculous and impossible things.  Make up stories together.  Laugh.  Smile.  Be silly.  Whoever said that children should be seen and not heard?  Phooey on them...get 'em talkin'!  

He's Old, Not Dead

I met a 20-something guy at the dog park today for the first time.  He was outgoing and talkative and walked up with an exuberant mission to introduce himself and his puppy.  I was in my reclusive mode and wasn’t particularly in the mood to talk to this guy but he sat in the shade right beside me and didn’t take the “nose in the phone” cue.  Talk, talk, talk, talk, Talk, Talk, TALK, TALK.  Seventeen weeks old he said his pup was. He’s a lab bloodhound mix…gonna be big, he said.  His paws are huge, got a lot of extra skin, he said.  The vet said at least 100 pounds!  He still has his balls, he said…don’t have the heart to have them removed.  My eyes rolled uncontrollably…do I have a sign on my forehead that says “come talk my ear off when I am trying to relax in the shade?”

His pup rolled around with the other dogs that were willing to play with him and pestered the ones who weren’t.   He tried to play with Jake and Scout who are far too refined to play with bouncy and rambunctious puppies.  This made the guy talk to Jake who of course wouldn’t pay him any attention.  “Is he old?”  Yes, he’s almost 13 and he’s deaf.  His next statement was just the beginning of my wanting to put my foot through this guy’s arse.  “Oh that’s so sad.  It’s sad when they get old and lose their functions.  He probably has a lot of trouble eating”.  Nooooo…he eats just fine.  He rubbed him down and commented that he didn’t seem to mind being petted, something he said that most elderly dogs don’t like.  “Do you come here so he gets exercise?  He doesn’t seem to like it much.”  Noooo…he likes it just fine.  He walks all over the park before coming back to rest.

  Sometimes he even runs around.  “Oh you poor thing…poor Jake”.  He then pointed out all of Jake’s little bumps and growths and warts and little scabs, even his goopy eyes.  “Is that a tick on his head?”  No it’s a wart.  “Oh…It’s so sad when they get those…it happens to older dogs…I just hate to see a dog get old”.   Then he commented on how calm Jake is and how most dogs are really agitated when they get up there in age.   I tried to be friendly despite my growing annoyance and anti-social mood.  I said that Jake has had his share of issues…he leaks and often paces at night.  I added that he wears diapers for the leaking issue but that the pacing has gotten better recently with a wet food diet and even more recently with the use of a borrowed memory foam dog bed.  “Aches and pains?” he wanted to know.  Sometimes…yeah I guess.  “Poor thing…Poooooor Jake…sooooooo very sad.   Have you ever thought about having him euthanized?”  Ok, dude…seriously, can I smack you now?  I wanted to say “why, just because he’s old?...because he's not a cute, bouncy little puppy anymore?!”  Instead I said, matter of factly, “No…not until he can no longer eat, poop or walk.”  At this point he went on with his ramblings and I tuned him out, more than irritated.  He turned his attention to the other dogs in the park and preyed on the other unsuspecting owners with his over talkativeness.  I sat and reflected on the conversation… do people abandon their old dogs at shelters or put them down just because they get old and they can’t deal with the challenges? I understand difficult decisions must be made when the time is right but it seemed to me he thought I should end Jake's life just because there have been a few declines and that he's not what he once was.  I really hope this guy figures out how to handle an elderly dog before his pup loses one or more of his functions.  I am guessing he’s got at least 7-10 years before that happens.   I certainly won’t deny that Jake can be a royal pain in the rear sometimes and that he has presented with his fair share of major challenges but that doesn’t mean he should lose his life over it.  He still enjoys his life and can keep it as long as he does.